Every morning I pass a dog park. Normally it’s too early for dog owners to be there: this morning was different, Somebody was there.
There is this short guy dressed in black wearing a black ski mask, who I recognize right away as the guy the next block over, Mick Cohen. Nice guy, recently laid-off and spends a lot of time going to garage sales and buying a lot of stuff and marking it up 30% for his garage sale.
Approaching I noted he’s holding a sign, “No More Jewish Suppression of Canines.”
“Hi, Mick,” I said.
“That’s not my name,” Mick said.
“Okay,” I said, “so what’s up?”
“See that fire hydrant out there?” Mick said. “That’s condescending to dogs,”
“I’m not sure I follow you,” I said.
“It stereotypes dogs,” Mick said. “Dogs don’t have to use fire hydrants. What did they do before man ruined the environment with fire hydrants? They used a rock, a bush, a tree. Dog urination should not be defined by a fire hydrant. And it suppress where they should naturally go.”
“I’m still not with you on this,” I said. “It sounds like your real concern is misplaced, it should be more for the fire hydrant.”
“You go down the street and see a sign on a tavern and it has two guys slung over each other each holding a bottle of whiskey singing Danny Boy, don’t you think that stereotypes the Irish?” Mick said.
“Never felt that way,” I said.
“Of course you don’t, you’re insensitive to others,” Mick said. “What it if there was a restaurant with a watermelon and it said, “’Everybodies Welcome.”
“Frankly,” I said, “I don’t know what this has with the fire hydrant in the dog park.”
“Suppose you were Polish and in the middle of the dog park was one of those construction site porta potties. It had a sign that said, Restroom, and then another sign that said For Polish and a picture of a little boy taking a leak.”
“I’d think it was put there by a funny Polish guy,” I said. “What does this have to do with anything?” (I should have kept walking.)
“It’s this current administration,” Mick said. “They are suppressing dogs. We got to take down the man!”
“But,” I said, “wasn’t this dog park built with funds from the last administration?”
“Yeah,” Mick said, “but this one should have removed the fire hydrant.”
“And what’s this take down the man talk all about?” I said. “Nobody talks that way anymore. If anything, it’s take down the person; that’s more gender nonspecific and politically correct. Of all people, I thought you might know that. Nevertheless, I’m baffled, though, what do the Jews have to do with this?”
“The Jews have suppressed canines for centuries,” Mick said. “It’s all in the Bible.”
“Are you sure that’s not Canaanites?” I said.
“Are you sure that’s what is says?” Mick said.
“I’m sure,” I said.
“I guess this really makes me look stupid,” Mick said.
“No,” I said, “merely confirms it.”
“Okay,” Mick said, “the fire hydrant is made of plastic. Do you have any idea what plastics are doing to the earth?”