The Oprah Winfrey Gut to Butt Volume and Ratio Index

I’m about the launch a new healthy body index. Everyone has heard about those body fatb245eaddb2060626a2c3470076c75f18 ratio indexes; don’t believe them. They are only there to make your miserable life more miserable. Believe me, you will never measure up. It is called, as you may of surmised by the title, The Oprah Winfrey’s Gut to Butt Volume and Ratio Index, or the Odex.

Stop laughing. I haven’t quite worked out all the details, but I’m already working on a book deal and a talk show tour. Okay, working on it is an exaggeration; the idea came to me just a couple hours ago. And Oprah is interested in anything with her name on it, except a marriage license.

Most experts agree the tummy should be flat. It’s best when it does not extend beyond the hip bones. The derriere however is different story; either you got it or you don’t. Yeah, I know, you can go to a back alley clinic and get a yard or two of concrete poured, but or butt, I’m talking about natural conditions. Forget all that you’ve read and heard, we’re rewriting the book on body image and all around good health.

The ratio is calculated by the number of centimeters your gut exceeds your hips as opposed to the number of centimeters the derrière protrudes the deepest sway in your back. (I’m using metrics because this is already the rage in Europe. Not really, it just sounds more fascinating and Oprahesque.) Thus, if you’re looking at a person with a good “gut to butt ratio” from the side they should look like the number 96 or the percent sign (%). In other words, one’s gut should be exactly the protrusion of the derrière.

As soon as Oprah gets wind of this, I’ll be heading for the big time. She’ll swim through a river of gravy to buy me out. That woman spends one weekend without her dietitian and workout coach and she’s a perfect 96.

You might want to jump in before this goes public. One hundred bucks should do it. That will get you a signed book and whatever else I have laying around the house I need to throw out.

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