It’s Not You – It’s the Snakes
But you’re not, Jonah you’re not. Everybody says you’re the finest preacher Rode Apple Junctions has ever had.”
“You came once and never came back again. Why Clem? Why don’t people come back?”
“I can only speak for my self Jonah, but when you brought out the snakes, that was a bit much.”
“But I don’t do that anymore,” Jonah said repentantly.
“Well the fact is I don’t want to be surprised like the last time.”
“I can promise you – no more snakes.”
“Well that’s something to consider. Can you say the same for snapping turtles and spiders? I don’t want to reach in a box and be surprised.”
Jumpin’ Jonah has a Credibility Crises
“That’s just it, Clem, I’ve lost my credibility.”
“That’s not completely true some are saying you lost your mind.”
“Just kidding, Jonah. I was trying to lighten the moment.”
“There is nothing funny about this.”
“Sure there is. You come in here to drown your troubles in coffee? If it was serious you would be down at the Side Track Inn downing shots of Old Grand Dad.”
“I’m given up. Everybody looks to Oprah, Tony Robbins, and Dr. Phil. They’re talking about things like negative energy and psyche. Things you can’t see or define. I think if you sell people nothing for something they expect something, but if they don’t get it at least that’s something. Does that make sense.”
“I can’t even explain Oprah.”
“Well you’re not alone in that, Jonah.”
With All the Advice the World should be a Better Place.
“But people are buying it and getting nothing in return. It’s all snake oil. For as many people who listen to Oprah, Robbins, and Dr. Phil this world should be a better place. People buy their books, watch their shows, go to their seminars, for what? They ain’t no different. They ain’t any better than me. They got a gimmick, they call it a life philosophy. It ain’t no philosophy, it’s just getting’ rich. I got to get in the business of selling my own philosophy on life. The only people that the philosophy on life that Oprah, Robbins, and Dr. Phil works for is Oprah, Robbins, and Dr. Phil. I ain’t never heard anyone say, ‘boy, Oprah sure straitened me out. I’m completely changed.’ or ‘ever sense I went to see Robbins all the negative energy is gone from my life.’”
“So what do you think you’re going to do?” Clem said.
“I got it Clem, It’s like a revelation. It’s just come to me. I’m going to write a book and go on tour.” Jonah said.
“What’s the book going to be about?”
“I don’t know exactly yet, but its got to be something that you can’t see or define – like negative energy, positive aura, spiritual awakening, coming to grips with your inner self, or changing psyche. People are buying that ‘new age’ and secular self awareness crap. I just got to find a way to tap into it.”
“So you’re saying you need to come up with a life changing philosophy.”
“Exactly!” Jonah said staring into oblivion.
“Well what works for you?” Clem said.
“At this point in my life, nothin’,” Jonah said.
“Maybe that’s it Jonah.” Clem said.
“What?” Jonah said.
“Nothing,” Clem said.
“I don’t get,” Jonah said.
“Remember the Seinfeld Show – they said it was a show about nothing and made everybody millions.”
“That’s it Clem. You’ve come up with it – lead a life with absolutely no guiding principles or philosophy.” Jonah said. “But wait a minute everybody does that already.”
“Don’t you get it Jonah a book that justifies everybody’s miserable nothing lives.”
“Do you think I can pull it off,” Jonah said.
“Jonah, you’re living proof.”