Who Cares About FIFA World Cup?

Posted as a Daily Prompt.

Will FIFA Usher In The New World Socialist Order? 

Does anyone know anyone who really cares about the FIFA World Cup? Better yet, does anyone know what FIFA stands for? It looks like some French film actress’s name (of dubious nature, at that).

Is this something else crammed down our throats? It’s like Nazi Germany: “You vill like de fotball or else de firing squadt.” Or like some Germany Freudian hypnotist type with a swinging pocket watch saying, “Repeat afta me, Eet est not soccer, eet est fotball.”

ESPN is actually covering it. And I thought the strong man contest was a yawner. Soccer will make you pound your head against the wall and drool.

McDonald’s has an advertising poster for the World Cup. Where did that come from? Is that really going to sell more Happy Meals and cappuccinos? Cappuccino, that sounds so continental. Or is something more sinister afoot? Instead of promoting little fat kids watching Shrek and eating fries and hamburgers, now they want them to watch world cup soccer and eat French fries and boeuf de la gree-SAY.

Is soccer the vehicle to a one-world socialist government – first soccer fans and then socialists? Socialism and soccer the words almost look alike – it’s uncanny. It’s socialism in practice – a lot of running around with few goals, if any.

Football will be outlawed as being too rough and capitalistic (Extra points are bonuses – there are no bonuses in socialism, only capitalism has them).  Someday the only way to play a pick-up game of football will be in the middle of the forest away from the Stasi.

Will FIFA Bring World Peace?

Some say that soccer as well as all sports has become the replacement or at least the temporary stopgap to war. The intellectuals see it as a good thing. It keeps the masses occupied and content. That is why it has an international and intellectual appeal. It is an outlet for extreme feelings nationalism.  Man’s inate need for aggression is left on the field of competition. Citizens can proclaim and prove their superiority. Governments and their leaders use sports as a propaganda tool.

Sports, rather than an outlet for aggression, expose the fragile nature of man and nations. It does not make sense that an entire nation can enter a state of elation or depression based on a win or loss of its national team. Something else must be wrong. If we saw that trait in an individual, we would quickly conclude that such a person is lacking emotionally, intellectually, or spiritually.

Overall, it’s not such a bad thing, but this business of uniting the world through the World Cup, the Olympics, and so on is a bunch of rubbish. Since the modern Olympics two world wars have occurred.

Actually the only impediment to world peace at this time is soccer fans whining about how much better it is than football.

Are FIFA Fans Smarter?

A few years ago, I visited relatives not seen in a while. They lived in a posh neighborhood, had a posh car, many posh friends, took posh vacations, and their kids went to a posh school. They were posh and played the sport of the posh – soccer.

After a snort of wine, amusing stories of posh friends, and photos of posh regalia of various sorts we settled in to an intellectual debate of football verses soccer (or real football). Actually, they were debating alone. I had no dog in the fight. Therefore, it was more of a lecture with them presenting both points of view. Quickly I realized that only smart people understand soccer (so I guess it wasn’t so quickly). Football was for the mentally and culturally inept. Soccer was for the elete and enlightened.

“Where do the soccer hooligans come from I have read about?” I ask. There was stone cold silence. It was as if revealing they had a convict uncle or gay son.

Quickly the conversation was artfully directed to a high school sports banquet they attended for football and soccer players. They chortled as they recalled for me the portion of the banquet to hand out awards. They characterized the football coach as slow and dim-witted, whereas the soccer coach was bright and articulate. “What would explain that?” I asked. “The football players protect the contents of their cranial with a helmet. You would think without helmets those soccer players would be the ones that might have a problem sliding adverbs between nouns and verbs or forgetting definite and indefinite articles or mixing them.”

“Everybody on the soccer team is going to college,” was said with the explicit determination of an article of faith.  Well, I could hardly defend football now. Except, “Isn’t the soccer program at most colleges supported by funds generated by those dumb football revenues.” There was light laughter, followed by some yawns, and strong suggestions it was time for me to go.

Football Is Manly, Soccer Is Humanly

My theory is that soccer is for those who aren’t good enough to play football.

I know what many are thinking: football goes to soccer to get the really good kickers. You ever look at those guys! The kickers from a soccer background in a football uniform have the physique of a mall security guard. They tackle as if they’re trying to miss the runner or slap the guy to death.

You ever see those guys in a helmet? Is it the head or is the helmet malformed? They look like a Jewish siding salesman in a cowboy hat (no offense to Jewish siding salesmen or cowboys or their hats).

The football is called a pigskin. It is made from animal hide. It does not get any more manly or primal than that. What’s a soccer ball made from, some synthetic crap that will lie in a landfill for 10,000 years?

Pele was a soccer player, but Jim Brown was a man.

Is There A Need For World Champs?

When I was a kid there was a wrestler named Bobo Brazil. He was world heavyweight champion. I went to Oklahoma City and found some guy named Cowboy Bob Ellis was world heavyweight champion there. If in Los Angles, it would have been Surfer Bum Sammy Sandcastle. Come on, there was no Internet or Cable then. We were isolated and protected from the truth. It was a happier world. A world champion for every region – that was good enough for us.

Dictators Need World Championships

World champions or national champions meet the President, Prime Minister, King, Queen, or who ever happens to be the dictator that month.

Too much is made of countries competing for world championships. Does that make them a better country or a better breed? Does it get them free drinks at any bar in the world for the rest of their lives? Don’t you think this ‘world champion’ business is a bit rubbed into the ground.

Afterwards the world champ can say he met the President or head of state. It’ not like you are buddies. He probably doesn’t even know anyone’s names. It’s a photo-op and that’s all. The national leader, in some way, wants to take credit for the victory. “If you lose you will forever disgrace me and this great nation, but mainly me. Win or I will put a gun to your head.”

Championship teams at the White House remind me of the closing scene of the first Star Wars. The hero gets his medal. Everyone cheers and all seem to live happily ever after. Don’t they ever show the hero a month later walking through the crowds who once cheered him and now ignore him? “Hey look everybody, wanna see my medal.” “Get lost jerk-face. You had your day. I wouldn’t have been to that crummy awards ceremony unless I was forced to.”

Soccer (Football) Needs Americanization

Let’s face it most sports are stupid. It is a diversion for the masses (which I am a proud member), but soccer has buried the needle on the stupid meter.  It is the only game you allow a streaming ball hit you in the head and continue to run around the field like you lost your car keys.

Soccer, or what the rest of the world calls football, is where basketball was 90 years ago – boring and low scoring. People sat on wooden bleachers in dark dingy gymnasiums to watch Whatsamatta U. defeat Picklesworth College 10 to 8. Once the jump-shot replaced the two-hand set shot and the slam-dunk replaced the jump-ball after each score, you had real game.

Soccer needs the same boost. It’s guys running around in shorts for a couple of hours. Shorten the field, widen the goal, and make a goal count as ten points. The scores will be higher and generate more interest. It’s called inflation and redistribution of wealth. Everybody chances becoming a millionaire. Then the do-gooders of the world will take over soccer’s World Cup and play without keeping score. Socialism has at last  taken over. First, though, the United States must reinvent soccer by including TV timeouts, rap music, and mostly naked cheerleaders.

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6 Comments

Filed under Essays

6 responses to “Who Cares About FIFA World Cup?

  1. Synchonaut

    > A world champion for every region

    Baseball’s “world series” anyone ?

  2. What has turned me off about the world cup and soccer is the insults and extreme racist shown by the audience. I love soccer especially like to play it at one time.

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