Some Pizza Is Nothing More Than Garbage
The final stage of the pizza preparation is the topping. Many judge a pizza on the amount of toppings; more is better. (Those are the ones who know which day of the week each pizza joint has its all-you-can-eat-buffet and plan their week accordingly.) When people praise a pizza as good they will often say, “Did you see all the toppings?” “I like the pizza at so and so’s because they have a lot of toppings.” That’s like saying, “I don’t like the color of blue, but because blue is on sale at Home Depot; I’ll paint my house blue.” Those type of people should be condemned to shovel coal fires for pizza ovens for all eternity. (Just had an idea; Dante’s Inferno Pizza Palace – Bread Styx free!)
I hope this does not ruin pizza for anyone (I really don’t care), but when I see a mound of toppings for the sake of mounds of topping, I see garbage, I taste garbage, and without question it smells like garbage – because it is garbage! Now, do you want to know how I really feel?
A lot does not translate to better except for the heifers down at the all-you-can-eat buffets
So when it comes to getting into all those exotic variations like a California or Hawaiian Pizza (Get real California and isn’t Hawaii like Puerto Rico?), I’m not going there. I’m talking the basic pizza.
The Vegetables
Let’s start with two basic vegetables; peppers and onions. They should be finely chopped (not minced) about half to a quarter the size of a Skiddle (ask your kid). Sauté them. What is meant by sauté is slightly browned, but not cooked all the way. This is done very quick and in a hot pan (Toss in a pan sizzle, count to five, stir or toss, count to five, done). To insure this is done correctly do no more than a hand full of onions and peppers at a time. You don’t want them in a heap, but a thin layer only on the grill or pan. If you decide on mushrooms, they can be added to the vegetables, but they are best when sliced. If chopped the flavor is hard to taste. Slice them about the thickness of a quarter (I don’t know what to use if you’re in Canada. Slip across the border and get a quarter).
Of course you are thinking of other vegetables; that’s okay. You may have some you like, but this is a basic pizza.
I’m going to get a little freaky on you. Fresh sliced tomatoes are very good as a topping. I know what you thinking; what’s freaky about that? Here comes the freaky part; sliced green tomatoes. I know, I know; I’m such a traditionalist and I throw in some sweet-home-Alabama, Mississippi backwater, West-by-god-Virginia, country Mama stuff on you. Tomatoes are green before red, even in Italy. Here’s the deal; slice them and grill a slight crust on them and add as a topping. “Eeeeee dawgies, dat dar sure is some good pizza pie with dem dar green maters on it!”
The Meat
Next the meat. Hamburger will not be discussed. In spite of what you have heard or come to believe it is not a topping. It’s, it’s, I don’t want to say what it is. Pepperoni and Italian sausage only: If you don’t use these we’re pulling your ‘green card’ and sending you back to Cuba or Estonia; even if you didn’t come from there.
When is the last time you had a pepperoni pizza that you could actually taste the pepperoni? Yeah, really, it does have a taste. It’s not like those confession wafers that melt on your tongue. Buy pepperoni whole and slice it yourself. Stack two nickels; that’s how thick you want the pepperoni.
An hour after you eat a pizza I want you farting pepperoni farts that would make any Italian Papa proud and bring tears to an Italian Mama’s eyes.

This is what happens to people who put hamburger instead of Italian sausage or pepperoni on pizza. Yes, it's harsh, but it's a lesson that has to be learned.
Get your favorite Italian sausage and fry it in a hot pan or grill. Don’t slow cook it. Get the meat cooked as quickly as possible without burning. If you slow cook it the meat merely boils in its own moisture and the flavor is lost. I heard one guy get kicked out of the mafia for not cooking the sausage right. (You don’t get kicked out.) It’s kind of nice when the sausage has little crest on it from cooking.
The Cheese
There are only two kinds of cheese that should be placed on a pizza; mozzarella or provolone. If somebody wants cheddar or American excuse yourself and go to the bathroom; that’s where the gun is hidden.
My preference is provolone. No matter; use only those two. You can shred it, but it’s better sliced.
Arrange it this way; sauce (last week) vegetables, cheese, meat. Here’s a secret I’ve held on to; after the cheese sprinkle some oregano and parsley. Set the oven at 425. When the bottom of the crest is golden brown you’re good to go.
If you follow closely everything I have mentioned from the crust, to the sauce, to the toppings you won’t be having pizza; it will be PIZZA! You’ll go back to a time when pizza was pizza.



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